Decided that I’m gonna write a book… Preacher’s daughter. Gonna write what I lived through, my opinion on things and how I perceived it, This will be for all the women that have and had to live with this shit!

So, my mom died… a week and a half ago… I’m lost… I’ve been taking care of her so long that I don’t know what to do now. I keep telling myself that it’s okay to just be right now, I am not doing a good job of receiving this message. I do not like this space and time.

So the Mom is not doing well, she has been up most of the night due to not being able to breathe because she has fluid build up under her lungs due to her heart failure. Such a touchy subject here… to give morphine so she relaxes or not to because of the stigma that my father has, “they are just going to kill her with morphine”.

She was fine a couple of days ago, how fast that can change with old people. I wish our last days could be different. My mom and dad are people of God, why can’t He just let my mom sleep and go in peace? Why does she have to go through all this discomfort and fear? Why, why, why?

I’m so tired…and I can’t find rest. Why doesn’t the big Man hear me?

I have exaggerated a bit, but it sure does feel like it sometimes. I’m a mother of three and inherited a step kid along the way, so when it’s comes to gross things, I’ve had my fair share, but little people gross things are a lot different then old people gross things. I do everything for my mom,changing her, feeding her, grooming her, washing her including wiping her butt.  I probably wash my hands 100 million times a day… at least it feels that way!

I love my parents (well, at least most of the time, but that’s another post) man, they are just gross!

My mom is in in-home hospice because she is 89 years old and has heart failure. Which mind you, I had to fight for because my dad thinks hospice kills their patients.  And it has been wonderful, we don’t have to run to all these doctors appointments any more. A nurse visits every week and I can text her with any concerns, a CNA comes to the house twice a week to give you mother a bath (wow, love this!). She even gets a massage twice a week (oh, the life!) from a licensed massage therapist and there is a counselor, chaplin, social worker, music therapy and they all come to the house! This has helped me so much!

My dad and I were constantly fighting because of the stress of caring for my mom. I kept telling my dad “you are asking too much of me”, we need help and he kept saying they, meaning hospice, would kill mom. I had to have someone from hospice come out twice before my folks would sign on to the program. I had to tell my dad over and over that I wasn’t gonna let anyone kill my mother and that hospice was going to help not kill.

Wow, now that I think back I was really losing it before hospice came to help. I was on the verge of leaving, just up and leaving. This being a caregiver to both parents is no joke. I didn’t know it would be this hard!

So, my dad is a preacher man and has some “way out there” views. I am sick today, some type of stomach bug ( I think). My dad has the audacity to tell me I’m sick because I haven’t turned my life over to Jesus. This stuff sets me off… I can’t stand this jargon, it’s so stupid! I go off, telling him that I’ll never be a part of his church and so many bad things happened to me as a child because of his church…bla, bla, bla. And besides he has had polio since 16 years of age, what does that mean??? .

Why cannot I just ignore his stupid talk and just be me, lover of life, beliver in majick, positive self? Why do I have to turn into this angry being that I do not like? This is why I don’t want to be here at times. I need to rise above this… OMG! Why is this so hard for me?

Some days are so hard, I’ve been so tired lately and my stomach hurts most of the time. I feel like I am spiraling out of control, I’m so angry, why am I so angry? All I can think of is that I have some serious childhood issues that I have not dealt with. Here is what I think is the issue… my folks are very religious  (they say they are not but they are), my dad is a preacher man and my mom is the wife of a preacher man. They have always been very controlling and think they can still be with me. I have informed them many times that they cannot push this belief on me any more and all they can do is pray for me. And guess what this does… absolutely nothing. For some reason they believe that only they know how to live the right way, even “those” people from other religions don’t do it right. They are so exhausting. I have felt “not good enough” most of my life due to them and you think I would be past this by now. But I am not. Since I moved home to take care of them, I can’t even put into words the emotional roller coaster that I have been on. I swear, I use to be a nice person.

So this comes out of my dad’s mouth….”isn’t this why you are here?” Some times, I swear, I just want to leave! Yes, I have come to help them, but be very careful, I am not your slave!  My dad is 88 yrs old and wants to work on his car, mind you, that means he’ll tell me what to do and I do it. Which I don’t mind once in a while but the more I say ok the more he wants me to do. It’s like Brenda you should not have a life you should only do what we want you to do. My brother who has lived with them off and on for many years now (and who takes care of everything outside of the house) has warned me…”once you give in a little bit they will try to suck the life out of you”.  My dad literally will throw a fit, going on and on how no one loves him or believes he is worth something. This is so emotionally exhausting sometimes!

So… I wanted to start this blog to share experiences, to help others in my shoes and to help keep my sanity! And although I could write something every day my mind goes blank…maybe it’s just the depression of my life right now.

Being a caregiver for both my folks has been a lot harder than I could have ever imagined. So many reasons that this was a bad idea 1. I’m moving back into their home…can we say yikes! 2. They are republican and I’m not. 3. They are minister’s and I am a spiritual person. You might think these are little differences but they are not. Let the craziness begin!

So…this is my life, caring for the folks. About 2 years or so ago I knew I had to come back home to Hawaii to care for my parents. I had something pulling me, it was like an urgency being driven in my heart. I don’t know where it was coming from or even why it was there, but it was there.  I mean how bad could it be, I was moving back home to Hawaii! I have been living with my parents for a year and 8 months and all I can say is this is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life! What was I thinking!

I have never felt so much joy, love, fear, anger….lots of anger and pure craziness in the head.